In a World So Cold
by lilithtorch2
Summary: The Winter Soldier discovers that something horrible has happened to his lover, the Black Widow, permanently changing her. In the aftermath of this act of sacrilege, James and Natasha deal with their feelings for each other. Warning: Implications of abuse. Winter Soldier/Black Widow, James/Natasha, Bucky/Natasha
1. Chapter 1: Sacrilege

*****A/N: Due to nature of topic, couple of assumptions made:  
1. The Winter Soldier trained with Natalia.  
2. The Winter Soldier reacted the way he did because the place where he trained is a complete dictatorship where the instructors are free to do anything they want as long as they teach what they need to teach.**** If you ever encounter a similar situation irl, don't fight back. Stay calm and help the person through a tough time. Providing emotional support is better than having a violent reaction.**  
**3. The instructor will not retaliate because discipline is punishment enough.*****

* * *

After training, the Winter Soldier and his Black Widow meet at their usual spot beneath the trees.

"I brought you something," James says softly, until he really examines her under the sunlight. Something about her composure is different today; something he doesn't understand.

Natalia refuses to look at him.

James, sensing that she is upset, tries to touch her shoulder to comfort her. "What's wrong, Natalia?"

"Don't touch me!" She claws back, and he retreats. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Keeping his distance, he persists, "What happened?" He realizes that she is hurt somehow, but he can see no visible marks. His quiet lover has grown more distant, and this is unlike her.

"Nothing," she replies coldly, but then she looks at him in pain and sighs. "I don't want you to go," she explains herself, fighting back tears, "stay with me."

"Okay." He cautiously sits next to her under the trees, and they continue to talk about their day and their missions. But he silently resolves to find out what happened to change her. His beautiful Natalia is still alive, but she had somehow been killed, and he needs to find the reason for her death.

* * *

"I think…one of the instructors did something bad to her."

Those words came to him suddenly, from Natalia's roommate, Alina. He whirled around to look at her. He took a deep breath. "What…do you mean?"

The way Alina said "bad" meant something very different from the usual punishment and discipline they each received at the hands of their instructors. The impact of those words, the anxious tone of her voice, shocked him. He pressed further for details. Alina warned him that Natalia did not want him to know, but that she came here to speak to him of her own accord. She was worried for Natalia, she said, she had been hearing her screams in the middle of the night. She told him what someone else had seen. James recalled that for days, Natalia had refused to eat most of her meals, save for some water. It hit him then what had been going on with Natalia, why she refused to let him touch her that day. And he regretted that he was not able to be there to protect her.

He quickly stormed off.

"Wait," Alina ran after him, knowing exactly what he was going to do, "you can't do that!"

James burst into the classroom where the instructor, who had hurt Natalia, was training a group of young children. He saw again what this monster had done to Natasha and saw what he could do to these children when they became older. Without warning, he pummeled the man down into a corner until the instructor's face was covered in large pools of blood. James's eyes were wild, filled with hate and rage. Someone tried to hold him back, and he knocked them down too. He would have beat the man to death had there not been more people holding him back. "You monster. I'll kill you!" he screamed, struggling to break free. "I'll kill you!" Later, the younger trainees would discuss what they saw in his eyes. Were they tears? But the Winter Soldier does not cry, they remembered from the legends. They could not have been tears. They must have been diamonds.

And that was the first and only time anyone had ever seen the Winter Soldier show any kind of emotion.

* * *

James met her again, underneath the trees. The usually quiet Natalia had grown quieter.

"Going off and hurting yourself like that," she scolded him softly. She learned from an apologetic Alina that after the Winter Soldier beat up the instructor, he was disciplined and interrogated for what he did. They asked him why he did it, but she was told that he did not say anything, and took the beatings, with no expression in his face, as a Winter Soldier should do. The rumors mentioned again that he had only shed one single tear during the interrogation, but everyone dismissed it, believing him to be cold-blooded. And after awhile, his interrogators let him go. Though Natalia had her own pain, she did not enjoy seeing him tortured, either. Not for her. "You didn't need to do this," she told him, and, despite feeling apprehensive to touch, she reached out and gingerly caressed the Winter Soldier's cheek.

"I do it for you," he retorted, holding her hand resting on his cheek. "I will do anything for you. Eat." He gives her some bread that he has saved from their last meal. He does not know how else he could help her, but this, he feels, is the best that he can do.

She listens to him and takes a bite off the bread. It is a bread unlike any other, because it carries his love. So to her, it tastes nourishing, delicious.

"If I could, I would take all your despair," he growls, motioning to touch her hair as a sign of affection. This, she is able to let him do.

Feeling less tense, Natalia holds his hands tight. It is the only thing she can do for him after what happened. She feels him respond by holding hers tightly as well, and she starts to cry. She starts to apologize for dragging him into this. For crying. She should be tougher. He takes one quick look at her and hands her a handkerchief so that she can wipe away the tears.

"Don't say anything more, my sweet Natalia," he murmurs, "you did nothing wrong."

And together, they enjoy the peace and solitude under the leaves.


	2. Chapter 2: Recovery

*****A/N: Chapter originally a separate story, "Happy Birthday." Read with Linkin Park-"Iridescent." Added in more details to flesh out this chapter a little more, but otherwise the concept is still the same.  
**

* * *

Months after the terrible event that almost cracked Natalia's spirit, the Winter Soldier is waiting for his Black Widow in her room. Natalia has asked him to be there, and coincidentally, Alina, Natalia's roommate, is not here. Nervously, he taps his feet, anticipating his lover's arrival. He doesn't know why she summoned him here. She's going to break up with me. She finally can't tolerate me anymore, and now she wants to kill me. Or maybe…and here his young hormonal mind wanders off to forbidden thoughts. He shakes the thoughts from his head, confused. Why is he thinking this when his beautiful girl still needs time to recover from her encounter with that monster? (He still wishes he had another go at killing the instructor, but out of respect for his lover, has permanently decided against this.) The young Winter Soldier directs his mind toward happier, romantic thoughts of love to distract himself. He is about to fall asleep when he hears the door open from behind him and footsteps pattering inside.

"Happy birthday," Natalia whispers to James, sitting next to him.

He opens his eyes, registering the woman standing in front of him. "I don't even know my own birthday," he tells her matter-of-factly, "how did you know?"

She shrugs. "Because you didn't know yours, I made one up." She looks at him innocently, and says, "Today is the day you came into my life. I wanted to celebrate that." After what happened to her, Natalia wanted to move on, and what better way to do so than to celebrate the first time she met her Winter Soldier?

He doesn't say anything to that. All he sees right now is that Natalia is sitting very close to him. _Why?_ Is she doing okay now? She has not done this in months, and, truth be told, he's not used to such close contact from her anymore. It would be perfect if she is finally healing, but Alina tells him that the nightmares still come, so he doesn't dare to initiate any form of touch with her.

"Obviously, I can't give you an actual gift," she begins, and he guesses at what will happen.

"Are you sure about this?"

Since it happened, Natalia had been reluctant to discuss anything in detail, so James did not ask. All he knew was that she remained uncomfortable with most physical contact, but he didn't care. As long as her heart is still with him, then he can show his affection in other ways. Even though James still struggles with forbidden thoughts, he hides this and projects an aura of calm, to reassure Natalia that he will always be at her side.

But now her face is dangerously close to his. He is not sure what to do.

"This makes me nervous," Natalia confesses, "but…I am ready to do this." It is a strange feeling for Natalia to have. She feels as though she should hate all men for what one man did to her, but this is not what she feels at all for the boy sitting next to her. Besides her closest friend, Alina, James has always stuck with Natalia and defended her whenever anyone dared to call her a whore for something she did not cause.

"Happy birthday," she repeats to him, moving on from her own thoughts.

Slowly, awkwardly, she leans close to James and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. Because a demon committed an act of sacrilege against the sanctity of her soul, the single kiss is Natalia's only present for him, the one she is ready to give.

And in that kiss, there is all the information that James needs. She is okay with their lips touching again. The parts of her that have died are slowly reviving. Her life, and everything inside it, is breathing again, flowers rising from the grave. Despite the moments where Natalia needs the stillness, she has given him more words. Even smiled.

Natalia and James break away from the kiss, gazing at each other. For James, the red string of devotion in his heart to Natalia tightens, and from this kiss, he knows for certain that she is someone he will protect forever, in life and in death. For Natasha, there is surprise at her own ability to overcome her terrors and a calmness she has not felt in a long time. However, the forbidden thoughts enter James's mind again, and he hastily gets up off the bed. He knows that she is not ready to go any further, and he doesn't want to do anything he will regret.

"I should go," James quickly tells her, preparing to leave, but she clings on to him.

"Please don't," she pleads.

* * *

When Alina returns to the bedroom that she shares with Natasha, she smiles to herself at what she sees.

Natasha is peacefully lying on her bed, and the Winter Soldier, his eyes closed, is guarding her by her bedside, still holding her hand.

For the first time in months, Natasha's nightmares have ended.


End file.
